Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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