I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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