I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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