There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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