Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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