if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
