Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
did i walk over a car last night?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There's always time for handjobs
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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