Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
