I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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