I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
