Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
