my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
