I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
