my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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