remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
