Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
