I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
