____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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