Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
