I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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