The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
