Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
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