someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
