Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
