no, he came in my armpit
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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