I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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