In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
