my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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