I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
