Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
