Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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