fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
