you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
