I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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