I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize