My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
