checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
