these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
