I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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