i can't believe i had my finger in that
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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