So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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