Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
