There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
