Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
