OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize