and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize