you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
