Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
