i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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