I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My vagina just recognized that song.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize