remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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