rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
