I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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