Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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