I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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