The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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