May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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