you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
