He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
